Tuesday, August 5, 2008
So first of all I cannot believe it is August and Kaia is headed back to school tomorrow. In many ways this year as slipped right past me, but in others it has drug on and on. You being away from me has been the longest 4 months of my life I think. It is just still hard to go thru the day without my best friend. I have these moments when I am just sad that you aren’t here to help me carry in the groceries or silly stuff like that. Not that it sucks to carry in the groceries all by myself but the fact that we have built this life together and you are my best friend and I just want you to be here with me. To do the silly stupid stuff and the important family stuff too. We miss you and I know you are doing your best to get back to us as soon as you can but it still hurts to be away from you.
I hope you are enjoying a lazy Sunday afternoon. It is crazy that you slept in until 8 something. I wouldn’t think your body would allow you to after being so programmed to wake up. I actually got to sleep until 9 which is the first in a long time. We are usually up before 8 to get to the gym. Tomorrow will seem like an early day getting Kaia up and ready for school. She is pretty excited I think and I am interested to get to know her teacher and stuff. I signed up to be the home room mom, there will be another one too so hopefully we can be more involved at the school this year. I think once you get home and things get back to normal for Kaia’s little world she will do really well in Kindergarten. We have already talked about the fact that I don’t want her to get sent to Mrs. Blair’s office so she better behave etc. I am sure it will happen at some point, I will just be happy if it happens LESS than last year.
Anyway, I am going to talk to you soon so I will go for now. I have to get all the thanks yous for Kaia’s birthday done and in the mail before it gets to be too late. I love you honey and I can’t wait until you are back home - where you belong!
Saturday, June 7, 2008
The last number was a teacher finale and they released a bunch of balloons at the end. She really wanted to have a balloon and by the time I figured out what she wanted and we got to the stage they were all taken. Major melt down. Right in front of the auditorium, in front of the principle and assistant principle…crawling in the corner…totally embarrassing. I got her to walk out, half chasing her into the parking lot. Hearing several kids comment about how Kaia always gets so MAD at school. I finally had to throw her over my shoulder and pack her out to the car. Sweating my butt off and huffing and puffing.
It sucked all around.
I just kept you were there to help me, so I wasn’t dealing with the situation on my own. She is almost too big for me to pick up like that so I don’t know what I will do. It scares me to think of what she is going to be like when she gets older. Her temper is getting worse and I don’t know what to do.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
But I CAN'T DO IT!
I have really tried...I have gotten up every morning, gotten my little girl to school, put on the happy face in public, sent off the care packages and cried alone but I am not sure how much longer I can do this.
It is SO hard.
I miss hom SO much.
This may be TMI but here goes.
He's been gone a year already. With Basic, AIT and now deployment. Since last May I can count on my hands the number of times he has been home. It's hard hitting the one year mark. A year without him, my best friend, my love, my "person".
I made it thru Basic and AIT fine. I knew he was safe, and excited and I was so proud of him for making an unconventional decision to follow a dream of his, even though he was 26 years old and had a family already. I support him 100%. I can honestly say though neither of us fully processed the possibility he would deploy, especially so quickly. Then finding out the DAY HE GOT HOME from AIT that he was being deployed! There's no elequoant way to put it - it sucks! Deployment is hard for everyone, but piled on top of being apart so much beforehand, it's too much for me.
It's hard to be hopeful that our lives will ever get back to "normal" when I can hardly even remember what it was like to have him here. I know the damage that has been done can't be fixed. My poor baby girl has a mommy who is sad or mad all the time. She needs a chance to be a 6 year old, have someone to take her fishing and to ride a bike. I try but with the burdens I am carrying I can't get passed the sadness to even pretend sometimes.
Not to mention myself, I have given up my career - my sense of identity and importance. Staying home along all the time is painful and isolating. Where are all my friends? Where is the family that says they love me? They don't know, they don't ask...I don't think they truly care. Care that I am miserable, along and dying inside.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Happy 6 year Wedding Anniversary to the love of my life!
[caption id="attachment_358" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="My love in Iraq"][/caption]
I had to admit it has been a tough day to spend without him, and I have had way too much time on my hands to reminisce and sulk all day. I’ve tried to scrapbook but couldn’t get motivated so mostly I have been eating the pain away today – lotsa chocolate chip cookies. But no matter how hard this day is, we have a great life in-spite of the current circumstances and being separated for the most part of the past year. We have an amazing love and friendship that is enduring and even growing and thriving thru this deployment. I just wish he was here today, and every day to hold in my arms and to give kisses to show you how much I care about him. Rather than sending another letter…it’s just not right!
Honey, I trust you to love me for a lifetime, to never betray me or my trust, to put my needs above even your own, to never run from me. I trust you like no one else in my life, past or present. It’s a vulnerable state to be in. I can’t lose you. Please realize you are holding my heart and that it’s fragile and you have to honor it in all your actions. I don’t know what to say other than that, I come with baggage – and now it’s yours to carry too.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
[caption id="attachment_346" align="aligncenter" width="277" caption="Proud of her daddies boots."][/caption]
Kaia is ecstatic about her birthday and wants to invite all her friends to the swimming party and her daddy will be there in his shorts (her words there!). She is so proud of him, I think she wants to show him off. I am surprised she doesn’t want him to wear your uniform to the swim party!
It was funny the other day we went to Shogun (her favorite restaurant & she had been begging) and there was a dad and his college aged son sitting next to us and we were chatting away. He asked Kaia where her daddy was and she quickly responded, “Iraq”. He told her you were a hero, even though he didn’t know you. She was just grinning. I think she gets it, gets the nobility of what he is doing.
I know she misses her daddy like crazy and it pains me to see our daughter with a broken heart but I know it’s going right back together when he gets home. So hurry up and get back!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Things I wonder...Does it feel like a long time to you? Do you feel like you are making a difference over there? I really pray that this experience for you is fulfilling and you have found purpose in your time away from us. I know it is so tough for me, and Kaia as well, but I really think that the benefits in the long term will outweigh this trial we are going thru. I hope you have found a new confidence in yourself, not many can do what you have done! I hope you will have a new found enjoyment and love for your family and come back ready to embrace us.
I know I have learned so much about myself already. I have learned I am not as tough as I thought I was. I have also come to realize just how much I love you….I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. And those words don’t even scratch the surface of capturing all my emotions. I know that you are the only one for me, and I wouldn’t endure this hardship for anyone but you. I couldn’t do it if you didn’t love me. And I don’t say all that to get a pat on the back for what I have gone thru because I do realize that the challenges, stress and work you face is so much harder than what I deal with. I just say it so you know that even though it’s hard, I do it because I love you and I will always want you to pursue your dreams. Even now knowing what I know about how long we would be apart and how it would impact our family, I am glad that you have had the opportunity. I still want you to continue to pursue whatever dreams you have when you get back too. I think you worry about Kaia and I and want to do what is best for us but I would tell you that God put certain desires in you for a reason and you need to pursue them. You are the head of this household and we are following you in whatever direction you would lead us. I trust your judgement!