Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Too much for too long

I feel like a wimp as I know so many other wives have gone thru deployments and made it. Not with a smile on their face the entire time, but they were able to stand on their own two feet and take care of everything, support their husband and be mommies for their kids.


I have really tried...I have gotten up every morning, gotten my little girl to school, put on the happy face in public, sent off the care packages and cried alone but I am not sure how much longer I can do this.

It is SO hard.

I miss hom SO much.

This may be TMI but here goes.

He's been gone a year already. With Basic, AIT and now deployment. Since last May I can count on my hands the number of times he has been home. It's hard hitting the one year mark. A year without him, my best friend, my love, my "person".

I made it thru Basic and AIT fine. I knew he was safe, and excited and I was so proud of him for making an unconventional decision to follow a dream of his, even though he was 26 years old and had a family already. I support him 100%. I can honestly say though neither of us fully processed the possibility he would deploy, especially so quickly. Then finding out the DAY HE GOT HOME from AIT that he was being deployed! There's no elequoant way to put it - it sucks! Deployment is hard for everyone, but piled on top of being apart so much beforehand, it's too much for me.

It's hard to be hopeful that our lives will ever get back to "normal" when I can hardly even remember what it was like to have him here. I know the damage that has been done can't be fixed. My poor baby girl has a mommy who is sad or mad all the time. She needs a chance to be a 6 year old, have someone to take her fishing and to ride a bike. I try but with the burdens I am carrying I can't get passed the sadness to even pretend sometimes.

Not to mention myself, I have given up my career - my sense of identity and importance. Staying home along all the time is painful and isolating. Where are all my friends? Where is the family that says they love me? They don't know, they don't ask...I don't think they truly care. Care that I am miserable, along and dying inside.

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