Do over

Do you ever wish for a do over with your life?

Wonder how you go to the place you are today?

I suppose everyone's life is different from how they invisioned it in some ways. I have just been wondering lately about the little descisions we make along the way that lead to massive impacts to our life path. Sometimes I wish I could go back to those moments and take a mullegan. A do over.

But then, what would I have missed?

Maybe it's like trying to "have your cake and eat it too" or "the grass is always greener on the other side".

I'm not saying I don't love my life. I have so many blessings.

Today I feel like it is me I don't like. That the events and choices along the way shaped me into something I don't want to be.

Strange.

I am a perfectionist, a very driven people pleaser who doesn't want to let anyone down. Doesn't want to fall short of someone's expectionations of me. Riggid. Hard. Wants to climb the ladder, achieve and conquer everything. Passionate. Smiling with a heavy spirit, because it is again what is expected. A care-taker. But that's not the me I was always going to be.

Is this me? Or did the me I could have been get squeezed out, squashed by those little choices I have made. Little by little until me wasn't me anymore. I don't feel like I'm a fake person. I just feel like I am not me...the me I am supposed to be.

I think the real me was supposed to be free. Passionate. A creative spirit without limitations and bounds. Smiling from a deep and light place. A dreamer. Unaffected by the pressure of society & life. Someone who loved like crazy, like it was the only thing that mattered. Because it is.

Maybe I need little of both "me's". I need to become the me I want to be.

I want a tomorrow that doesn't look like yesterday. So what are you going to do? When the rubber meets the road Katie, when you can't have a do over and things are what they are?

Are you going to fight like hell for everything that matters? Give up everything that doesn't? Do something drastic, or stay static?